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college days part 1

Wednesday morning

 

Keyon woke up late for his first day of college. With the phone ranging he rolled over to answer it. Hello who this? Keyon its jasmine. What it do. We late I’m out side. Hold on baby I’m on my way. He hoped out the bed and grabbed his new shit he just got. Before he opened the door his cell phone ranged. I’m bout to walk out the door. He locked the door and got in the car he kissed jasmine. She looked him over I like your outfit. When you got this. The other day he said. It looks nice on you. Well you know how I do anything looks nice on me. I have to make one more stop jasmine said. Where is that? I have to pick up Darryl. What is wrong with his car?  The battier died this morning. Can’t he call someone else? He’s on our way to school .so I said yes and on top of that he is my friend. Just then they pulled up to Darryl house. Jasmine honked the horn. Darryl walked out the door dressed from head to toe with Ed hardy. What up jas he said as he entered the car. How you doing Darryl? He said nothing much. You? Same here. Hey keyon. What it do was keyon reply. So jasmine what are you doing this weekend Darryl said? I’m going to be out of town this weekend. I was trying to see if we can hit the clubs this weekend that’s all Darryl said. Well we can go next weekend if that is ok I just have to go see my mom. Did you ask Nikki jasmine said? You know that girl is to wild talking about going somewhere with me Darryl said.
Then we will just have to do it next week ok I’m sorry.
It’s ok ill take Nikki but if she act a fool up in there I’m living here ass I’m telling you now.
Just as he finished that sentence they were at the school. Jasmine pulled up in the parking lot god there is no parking spaces up here ill have to park in the back ok baby. Just park in my spot baby for today I don’t have my car and everyone know you my girl Keyon said. I’ll see you after class ok she gave him a long kiss. Oh and don’t be late I have to go to work today jasmine said.
Being that Keyon and Darryl had some of the same class they just walked together.
So they had time to talk Darryl started off by saying what is it that you don’t like about me cause I can see and hear it when you talk to me or when I’m around.
Darryl I have nothing against you I just wished you would tone it down a little you know not be so out there like a bitch Keyon said. Ok I will try that if that would make you stop acting like an asshole when you see me Darryl responded. So come over after school and let’s start over new kick back smoke some weed and drink a beer or two Darryl said. Not today man I have football practice all this week. So if we can put this off to this weekend then you won’t have to go with Nikki crazy ass Keyon said.

if you like it tell me and i would keep it coming if you dont like it tell me i will stop it

 
Comments
Anti-DL,
Ummm....it needs work...learn how 2 better differentiate btwn what the characters r sayin...but keep trying....practice makes perfect....oh & add some suspense 2 make "us" readers wanna come back 4 more!
2008-09-14 19:21:32
,
I agree with the comment above me, but i do like how you didn't start the story off with a sex scene, I can get into this story, if you are serious about continuing and not write some then just stop like some of the other authors on here.....
2008-09-14 19:29:01
,
If you learned how to correct your simple grammatical errors, such as learning how to spell and using punctuation marks, it would be a joy to read.
Actually not, because the dialogue in the story seems to be very stacaato. Meaning, its one after the other in a very rushed motion.
2008-09-14 20:10:27
MOOKIE,
it isnt bad, but you need ur quotation marks..... and this pg13 story needs so sex.... at least at the end..... otherwise its cool
2008-09-14 20:45:47
ThickJerseyChick,
Proofreading is a part of being a writer. even when its something quick and off the dome..u want your readers to understand. Besides grammar. Make it believable. If its the 1st day of college how does he have his own parking space that people know his girl's car?? and we can alreasdy see where this is going...Darryl wants keyon to accept him...invitews him over...makes a move on him..they probably fuck. i mean good idea..but u dont wanna spoil the story..good start tho
2008-09-15 08:51:45
mookie,
damn jerseychick... lol spoiler alert
2008-09-15 14:02:12
BULLSHIT!,
Listen, I only got thru the first couple of sentences! GET IT TOGETHER! The fucking ebonics is killing me.. Shit!
2008-09-15 15:44:11
,
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
2008-09-15 20:39:39
,
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
2008-09-15 20:41:19
Jazmine,
....
2008-09-20 15:11:41
thickjerseychick,
come on mookie...u know u seen it coming..lol..but now my late azz gonna chek out the rest, cuz i've been wrappe up in "how it all began" (not to b promoting others stories)
2008-10-09 08:18:51
Igotyouboo,
Yall are some mean people.. Ain't none of yall writing nothing.. Dang, he's new at this, so give him a min.. Thanks for all the suppose to be constructive criticism??? Some took it a lil bit to far dang.. Yall didn't learn how to write overnight..

Igotyouboo27@yahoo.com
2009-02-06 21:00:51
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enquirboy
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