RIPPED & READY (S2/PART 21)

 As promised, an excerpt from another 10 postings. 

Parts 21 thru 30 will be available for purchase for $2.43 and available for dowload on 12/28/09 by 12:00PM @

http://stores.lulu.com/enlightenment4theheart

RIPPED & READY (S2/PART 21)

 RIPPED & READY S2/XXI

As a phoenix rises up from the ashes with new wings to fly and soar into new directions, so must the soul that is recovering from the sadness and pain of betrayal and loss.  With my birthday approaching, I realized that life experiences had yielded a downpour of drama along with a kaleidoscope of ever changing dilemmas that had wounded my heart and doused my spirit with apprehension so that I could not trust as easily as I once had.  There was once a time when I was quick with my acceptance of people – when I was resilient when I forgave, however, that canvass of innocence was now a relic I could hang no more.    

In so many ways I could identify with this thirteen year old boy who had, most likely, seen too much and hadn’t been provided with the right kind of love to lead a productive life, without hiding behind a false sense of security, while harboring crippling insecurity. I know it might sound as if I’m being over-philosophical, but in my struggle to find my purpose in life, I cannot stop myself from trying to grow and learn from my mistakes.  I wanted to live my life openly without hiding in the shadows like a leper in the arms of a down low man. 

Now I am faced with yet another challenge of trying to mentor a teenage boy and understand how he looked at the world, so that I can alter a volatile collision course that, just by his attitude, he seemed destined to be headed towards.  As an African American male I am fighting to find my own way in this life, still uncovering and recovering – feeling my way along the rickety path I walk, sometimes falling down.  I keep getting back up, yet I find myself still being a bit bewildered and confused. If was still fighting my own battles, how was I supposed to be a source of inspiration for this troubled teenager?    

I could tell that Rafael had a lot of baggage that he was carrying around, but, again,  I had my own that I was toting around as well, so how in the hell was I suppose to reach him and set him on the right path when I hadn’t even reached myself yet?  What if he had already inhaled the toxic fumes of homophobia in the short time he had been here on earth?  How could I ever erase what may have already been taught to him by a narrow mind? 

I was still living in an unresolved existence of my own dealing with a closeted gangster that had a vivacious appetite for my thick and juicy (Damn it, Peewee’s constant chase was wearing thin).  Then there was my childhood friend harboring secrets that intertwined with the thug element currently wreaking havoc in my life (I knew D’Andre had more to do with that sex club because he looked too comfortable on that screen to say that it was his first time there, but I was going to go along with his little lie for now). 

So, who were my allies?   

With Todd Berry away overseas fighting for this country, and with Collin Clarke distracted with a new son, who in the hell did I really have to confide in presently? 

Nobody

I thought Anita Charels could be my confidant, but after she mysteriously popped up out of the blue that day when my apartment was riddled with gunfire, she was now on the slim shady list (Her being a non-blood relative to Peewee and Darrius really made her one to watch).  Darren (Joseph’s cousin) and Charles (Darren’s road dog) were too close to Joseph for me to ever even think about calling on them and since, Joseph, my former lover (Yes, he was my former lover), was in cahoots with the late Lance Livingston,  there was absolutely no way in hell that I’d be bending his ear. 

The shit was still crazy. 

Any way…

After spending those couple of hours with Rafael, I realized that I now had an unexpected responsibility.  I couldn’t leave him in the total care of my moms because she was too old to understand teenagers.  He’d run circles around her and by the time she figured him out, he might have already gotten into trouble, been expelled from school, or even worse, gotten tied up in “got-dayum” gang and, let’s face, I couldn’t allow that to happen.   

Hell-to-the-fuck-no…

Once bitten and poisoned with the mental-venom of gang life, it was a rap.  Trying to pull a youngster out of the clutches of a gang would be like trying to pull a whale out of the ocean with your bare hands – and how many times had that happened?

Never

The time was now 12:00PM and I was exhausted, mentally, from spending the prior evening with Peewee.  I was so “got-dayum” glad that I had enough wit to keep that nigga from taking another dive into my assets, my glory hole needed a rest. I don’t understand the mentality of a self-centered, self-serving, muthafucka.  It was always about them getting there’s and if you didn’t get yours during the act, then it was your problem.   

 Fuck!

 What the fuck was broken on these niggas?   

Were they wired to be absolute assholes?

Were their hearts half the size of a regular heart?   

I mean, I love sex, but sex without any emotions is just fucking.  When I first started fooling around that may have been okay, but once the penetration thing started, that’s when I knew, I needed something more than just long, stiff and ready.  I was long over that act of rapid-rabbit-fucking.  I’m telling you, I wanted more than a hard dick without a conscious.  Too many men think that they are God’s gift to the earth and, with so many niggas and females treating them like they are; why shouldn’t they think that they’re not?

Since it seemed as if I couldn’t stop the onslaught of thoughts rattling my  head, I decided it was time to take a nap and I hoped that I wouldn’t dream about my troubles – lord knows I needed to loosen up in the worst way.  I suppose the better way to look at things would be like this: If I didn’t have any worries, then life would be dull huh?

Yea, right. 

I felt myself drifting off to sleep when that “dayum” phone started vibrating again.  Before I even looked at the screen to see the text, all the muscles in my neck started tensing up.  If it was Peewee, I was going to throw the motherfucker through the window.

 When I looked down and saw M6 written across the screen multiple times, I smiled. 

Collin.

I sent him a text back:

What it do, baby?

He sent me one back: 

It don’t do baby, not without you. 

A huge grin stretched across my face. 

I replied:

Baby, you know that part of us is through…you got Little August and Tootchie to think about now :] 

When he didn’t text back right away, I assumed he had gotten busy. 

When I went to close my eyes again, the vibration started again.  

I looked at the screen and it read:

There is no me without you. 

Now, ain’t that some shit.  You see what I mean, he has a woman and a “got-dayum” baby right now and he still wanted to fuck around, but I couldn’t do it anymore.  That hit it and split the scene afterwards act is over. 

I texted him with my final reply:

I’m telling you, Collin, that part of us ended the night that little August took his first breath, and I am going to help you by not doing the do with you…

I hit send.

I really hoped he got it this time.  All he had to offer me was a stiff dick, and that wasn’t enough anymore. 

It just wasn’t.

The vibration started again.  

I didn’t even look at the screen this time; instead, I tucked it under the other pillow on my bed, rolled over, and shut my eyes.   

I heard the muffled buzzing go on for about 15 minutes.

He really needed to quit it.