RIPPED & READY (S2/PART 14)

 As promised, an excerpt from another 10 postings. 

Parts 11 thru 20 will be available for purchase for $2.43 and available for dowload on 12/21/09 by 12:00PM @

http://stores.lulu.com/enlightenment4theheart

 RIPPED & READY S2/XIV

Peewee’s persistence was unnerving and I didn’t know how to throw him off of my scent.  I won’t lie though, it was flattering as hell having a man like him pursing me, but I knew if I allowed myself to focus on just that, then I would wind up falling for him without a parachute on.  The intoxicating allure of and the fascination with strong, masculine, thuggish men was, practically, every gay man’s fantasy and you know what?  Many of those niggas knew it and they used their sex appeal to their advantage to get money, sex, and anything else their hearts desired.   

The twist with this guy here though is that, he was the one doing all of the giving and it was really weakening my defenses.  I swear it is like they have this sixth sense for sniffing out certain types of gay men. Once they know how desirable they are to you;  that’s when they move in for the kill, and the next thing you know, you’re in a perilous, one sided relationship, giving yourself up to them emotionally, physically, and, again, often times, financially.

 After years of craving the sole affection of D’Andre or Collin, I didn’t have it in me to invest anymore time and energy to satisfy a DL brothas sexual appetite.  Peewee may not need my money, but I knew he wanted something else that I considered priceless to me, and that was my body – the body that God gave to me out of love, and the day that I stopped treating it as something special, is the day that I cease being more than what my father was in this life, a man who knows how to be in love and cherish one person.   

When Todd made that statement about the similarities between father and son it really woke my ass up.  I see how sex can be just like a “got-dayum” drug, and those who sex all the time and look their noses down at a drug addict are straight hypocrites in my eyes.  Hell, a line of coke, a fat ass blunt, or a fifth of liquor all have one thing in common, the illusion that they can make you feel good – and all of them are bad news.   

With coke, you might have a damn heart attack. 

With booze, you might become an alcoholic and fuck your liver up.

With weed, hell you might wind up with some type of lung ailment (Many say it’s harmless but I read where it does fuck up the lungs).

Anything done in excess is bad for you.  Oh, I forgot all about food – hell yea, it can work on you just like a “got-dayum” drug too.  Diabetes is running rampant and we have got some of the fattest motherfucking kids and adults on the earth right now.  It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if all this fat was the cause of all these ice glaciers melting (“day-um” I cannot even believe I just thought that).

I know I’m going on and on, but I just had to put that shit out there because nobody needs to be looking their noses down at nobody because everybody has a fucking vice. 

You see, my mind is all over the “got-dayum” map right now.

Shit, I really needed to get my head in order because I am beginning to really flip out. We aren’t even in a relationship and this nigga has got my thoughts on overload.  I already know what the problem is though, I really do want this motherfucker but I am fighting hard against it, using logic as a shield to keep myself from spinning out of control. 

Too late, huh?

If anybody knows me better than myself it is me.  The moment I text messaged Peewee, sitting across the table from Todd and Collin in IHOP, I knew deep down what I was going to do when I got into that Motel room, and I did it too.  I tried fighting it then when I hesitated pulling off my cloths, but that shit lasted all of 5 minutes.

  I didn’t like the game I was playing with myself, but I cannot seem to alter this course I am on, no matter how hard I try. 

It’s just like that night when I saw Ewuare administering treatment to Todd; I couldn’t keep my eyes off of his crotch regardless of all the distractions in the room – I zeroed in like a nymphomaniac.  It was as if his snake was charming me and I was wiggling out of the “got-dayum” wicker basket, memorized by it like a crack-head is watching a rock sitting on top of the screen of a pipe… 

Licking my lips behind the flickering, dancing flame… 

Anticipating the moment when the heat from it hits the bottom of that glass dick…

Imagining the smoke entering the lungs…

Waiting to feel that rush…

I’m gone…

I’m…

“Sir, are you alright,” the white, female stranger asks, snapping me out of my erotic and twisted daze.

“Huh?” I ask, slightly disorientated.

“I said, are you okay” She repeats herself, looking at me concerned. 

I look around and realize that I had zoned out standing on the walking trail. 

“Oh, I’m fine,” I told her, embarrassed that I had been caught again doing it.  

“Alright, I just wanted to make sure because it looked like you were having a spell of some sort,” she said.

“No, really, I’m fine, thank you for your concern,” I told her, feeling pretty ridiculous for having had a stranger interrupt me from a zone-out. 

She smiled, and jogged away from me. 

After getting caught like that, I decided it was best to stretch and take my black ass home.  I needed to get some more rest before I cracked the fuck up.  When I reached my car I made a promise to myself to check out a counselor because I had a whole bunch of crap to clear out of my head and since I had health insurance I planned on using it. 

I turned the engine on, inhaled deeply, and put the car in drive and began my, short journey, home.  EPA was about three or four exits up from Mountain View and I couldn’t wait to hit the sanctity of my room.

The moment I turned into the court, I saw D’Andre out in the front yard helping his father wash their blue, SUV.  Had it just been D’Andre out there I would have ignored him, but since Wallace was out there with him, there was no way I could go into the house without acknowledging them.  I put the car in park, and slowly exited the car.  I put on the best happy face I could, waved and said hello, praying that Wallace wouldn’t call me over.

“Hey there, Marco, how are you doing?” Wallace, asked me, squirting water onto the soapy SUV. 

“Oh, I’m holding up,” I answerd, intentionally not making eye contact with D. 

“That’s very good, young man.  Hey, come over here, and grab one of these beers and visit.  I haven’t seen you since your father’s services,” he says. 

Shit!

Reluctantly, I walked over towards where they were standing and pulled a beer out of the cooler. 

Wallace holds out his arms and gives me a warm hug. 

“Marco, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I hope you know that you still have a father figure here,” he said, rubbing me on the top of my head.

D’Andre scoffed. 

“Dad, that nigga ain’t no little boy anymore,” he said, eyeing me up and down. 

“Oh, shut the hell up, D’Andre, just because you don’t let me do it anymore, doesn’t mean that Marco has a problem with it, do you Marco?” he asked, smiling at me warmly. 

I knew it would piss D off so I agreed with him.

“No, it doesn’t, Wallace, you can rub my head anytime you want to,” I said.

He smiled, and pulled me into his strong arms again.

“Now that put a smile on my face, youngster,” he said, rubbing me on the top of my head again. 

D’Andre leered at me when his pops wasn’t looking. 

I returned the leer when his Dad had his back turned to me.

Fuck D’Andre Washington. 

I sure hope he doesn’t get what my pops got, fucking around with that crowd he’s associating with.  I still didn’t tell Collin anything yet, but I sure did plan on letting him know the type of people our ex-friend was cavorting with.

I drank another beer with D and his dad with a limited exchange of words for D’Andre.  I knew he was fit to be tied, listening to me chuckling it up with his dad, but I didn’t give a fuck, and knowing it was eating his ass up inside is the reason why I stayed longer and drank that second beer. 

When I got through, I gave Wallace a hug and promised him that I would visit with him from time to time.  He told me that he would really like that.  I didn’t bother even trying to give D a hug because I couldn’t stand his ass.  

“Later…” he mumbled under his breath.

I ignored him and walked back across the street.  

Before reaching the front door my phone started to ring.  I looked at the screen and saw that it was my ex, calling.  

I answered.

“Yes, what can I do for you?” I sounded as cold as a windshield on a snowy morning.  

“Are we okay?” He asked me.  

Hell muthafucking no we weren’t okay….